total disclosure agreement

Dear me,

You are acting like a stupid little baby. I hate you right now.

Sincerely,

Me.

I've reached a scary low. I'm fucked, now.

I just realised, the thing I cared most about in my attenuated life is meaning nothing to me, and this has never EVER happened to me.

I have no will to live right now.

No, it wasn't just the Confuser who did it. It's the Whole Rotten Gods-damned mess of the past fucking year, and to stop giving a fuck about...THAT...means I've hit rock bottom at last.

I am literally scared shitless.

THAT was my salvation. If THAT will not work any more...I may be...finished.

Suicide would be preferable to the finished I'll be, as that's been shortcircuited out of my brain and made impossible.

I'll become the living dead.

I FEEL APATHY. I am NEVER truly apathetic.

I'm out of drugs. THAT doesn't even bother me. Something is really wrong with that, too.

Oh no. No. No. Please, no, no. Make this be over.

Over.

Gone.

My uh, Demon Guide, shall we say, asked me a question today.

"Have you EVER had to ASK someone if they were sexually attracted to you?"

I think once again my Demon Guide proves he's smarter than me.

Fuck you, Person I Thought Was Into Me, you COULD have told me that and I wouldn't have fucking committed suicide or anything over you; you can't even use your computer, don't want to learn, complain you are lonely and spend time watching television and keeping secretive. Just like me. You are only better than me because you are a little more responsible about things like money, since you've always had to be.

But what was this...thing with me...over the past 5 or 6 months...all about exactly? Actually, scratch that, I just realized something.

NO FUCKING WONDER. How could anyone with proper brain contents be interested in me in THIS condition, at THIS time? Rebound, anyone? Even if technically Not a Rebound, anyone would think that's what they were if I tried to get with them this soon after losing my mate to someone else.

There are no words to adequately describe both how horrid it feels to be rejected this way, AND how horrible it feels to KNOW that such a stupid thing is able to CAUSE such horrible feelings in me. Cancer patients, people in Iraq with their families and friends dead or missing, people who have no water to drink, people abused sexually by parents or older brothers or other family members or their friends...people who have been in car wrecks that permanently maimed or mutilated their bodies...

Those people have a RIGHT to feel horrid.
I don't.
If only I had control over how I felt and what reactions to it I display to others. I surely look as if I was a stupid, attention-whore emo-goth idiot who slices her arms with razors and blames anyone but herself for her life's miseries.

Though few if any believe it, I'm not like those people at all...REALLY. This year is just a terrible, terrible fluke.